I think about stories a lot. I think about how necessary it is to tell and hear our stories in order to be seen and heard. If you have ever had the experience of telling your story while being safely witnessed, then you have probably experienced vulnerability as well as a sense of being validated and held. You may have even experienced a sense of personal power and a sense of belonging. Being the witness to another person’s story can be equally impactful. This is one of the best ways to establish connection and to experience empathy. Creating spaces for storytelling and working with clients to better understand their stories is part of my work and part of my calling.

And…although the benefits of owning our stories and sharing them are real and important, so is questioning them, wondering about their truth and how they can support as well as undermine us, uplift us, and perpetuate old patterns of thinking, feeling, believing or behaving. Some stories may not even be ours. They may be stories we were told to believe or that are part of our ancestral lineage for reasons that might have been necessary or even life-saving at the time, but do not belong in our lives today. 

How do we free ourselves to both tell our stories and be curious about their truth?

I have been discovering this for myself on many occasions. One example is while taking a course about making meaning of ancestral trauma with the wonderful somatic psychotherapist Manuela Mischke Reeds, I had the epiphany that my ancestral story is one of struggle and that the familial belief that struggle is what makes life meaningful is so deeply ingrained in all of my own stories that it colors my life with its shadow. 

In Byron Katie’s approach to understanding our stories she created a process she calls “The Work.” It is a structured exploration of self-inquiry that can help you better understand your stories and “turn them around.” By asking simple questions such as, “Is this story true?” “Do you know for sure that it’s true?” “Who would you be without this story or thought?’’ you can begin to unearth a truer version of the story. By turning your story from…”my partner hurts me,” to…”I hurt my partner,” the story you have been believing is turned on its head and you can look at it from a totally new perspective. 

Another approach is to tell your story to someone who writes it down as you tell it. Then, they read it back to you as you listen carefully for what is “undeniably fact,” what are “perspectives that can shift,” and what might be other ways this story could be told.

You can also simply hold the awareness that every time you tell your story, think your story, or even act from a belief about your story, ask yourself, “Is this true?” “Do I want to continue to believe this story?” “How is believing this story serving me?”

We ALL have stories we believe. Usually, they have served us in some way. Maybe they protected us. Maybe they made us feel special. They are often instrumental in constructing beliefs of who we are and how we need to be in the world. By gently confronting these stories, we are giving ourselves the gift of rebuilding a reality that allows us to live from our truer, healthier and more whole selves.